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The Happiness of One Person
Mar. 4th, 2025 07:16 amThis was an interesting chapter--it was focused on a lot of techniques his community uses to help people better live together, starting with "the happiness of one person," which is a training everyone who is getting married is supposed to do, looking deeply into the flowers and compost within themselves so they are more prepared for a relationship, and learning how to untangle the snarls (samyojana) that form inside a person when someone says or does something unkind to us. This involves, among other things, learning to bring into awareness why certain actions or words create such discomfort in us in the first place. He says it's important to address such snarls/knots when they are still "loose" and easier to untangle.
He also talks about the importance of kindness and compassion to one's partner: "We see that the other person, like us, has both flowers and compost inside, and we accept this. Our practice is to water the flowerness in her, and not bring her more garbage. We avoid blaming and arguing. When we try to grow flowers, if the flowers do not grow well we do not blame or argue with them. We blame ourselves for not taking care of them well." He also talks about the need for loving kindness, in actions and speech, in relationships; to water the seeds of joy rather than the seeds of suffering.
He concludes the chapter talking about a practice at Plum Village called "Beginning Anew," which is a ritual where the community sits in a circle in a room with a vase of flowers. People first water the flowers, then express their regrets, and express hurts and difficulties. When a person holds the flower (to speak regrets and later to express hurts and difficulties), only they speak; the community listens. "The ceremony of Beginning Anew is an opportunity for us to recall some regret from earlier in the week and undo it. The third part of the ceremony, we express ways in which others have hurt us. Loving speech is crucial. We want to heal the community, not harm it. We speak frankly, but we do not want to be destructive. Listening meditation is an important part of the practice. When we sit among a circle of friends who are all practicing deep listening, our speech becomes more beautiful and more constructive. We never blame or argue.
"Compassionate listening is crucial. We listen with the willingness to relive the suffering of the other person, not to judge or argue with her. We listen with all our attention. Even if we hear something that is not true, we continue to listen deeply so the other person can express her pain and release the tensions within herself. If we reply to her or correct her, the practice will not bear fruit. We just listen. If we need to tell the other person that her perception was not correct, we can do that a few days later, privately and calmly. Then, at the next Beginning Anew session, she may be the person who rectifies the error and we will not have to say anything."
The ceremony ends with everyone holding hands and breathing, or hugging meditation (which he invented for Westerners!)
He also talks about the importance of kindness and compassion to one's partner: "We see that the other person, like us, has both flowers and compost inside, and we accept this. Our practice is to water the flowerness in her, and not bring her more garbage. We avoid blaming and arguing. When we try to grow flowers, if the flowers do not grow well we do not blame or argue with them. We blame ourselves for not taking care of them well." He also talks about the need for loving kindness, in actions and speech, in relationships; to water the seeds of joy rather than the seeds of suffering.
He concludes the chapter talking about a practice at Plum Village called "Beginning Anew," which is a ritual where the community sits in a circle in a room with a vase of flowers. People first water the flowers, then express their regrets, and express hurts and difficulties. When a person holds the flower (to speak regrets and later to express hurts and difficulties), only they speak; the community listens. "The ceremony of Beginning Anew is an opportunity for us to recall some regret from earlier in the week and undo it. The third part of the ceremony, we express ways in which others have hurt us. Loving speech is crucial. We want to heal the community, not harm it. We speak frankly, but we do not want to be destructive. Listening meditation is an important part of the practice. When we sit among a circle of friends who are all practicing deep listening, our speech becomes more beautiful and more constructive. We never blame or argue.
"Compassionate listening is crucial. We listen with the willingness to relive the suffering of the other person, not to judge or argue with her. We listen with all our attention. Even if we hear something that is not true, we continue to listen deeply so the other person can express her pain and release the tensions within herself. If we reply to her or correct her, the practice will not bear fruit. We just listen. If we need to tell the other person that her perception was not correct, we can do that a few days later, privately and calmly. Then, at the next Beginning Anew session, she may be the person who rectifies the error and we will not have to say anything."
The ceremony ends with everyone holding hands and breathing, or hugging meditation (which he invented for Westerners!)
