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This whole chapter was quite interesting. It's called "Peace Treaty," and starts with a contract for people living in the Plum Village community who experience anger. Both the person who is angry and the one who angered them have specific responsibilities. The person who is angry is supposed to avoid escalating the anger but also avoid suppressing it; to practice breathing and "taking refuge in the island of myself," to tell the angry person within 24 hours and ask for an appointment Friday evening to discuss it; not to deny the anger but also to look deeply into themselves and see how they might have hurt the other person because of their own habit energy, "how the strong seed of anger in me is the primary cause of my anger," how the other person's suffering might have contributed to their action, etc. The person who angered them is supposed to respect the other person's feelings, not ridicule them, allow them time to calm down, not press for immediate discussion, and do their own breathing/meditation to reflect on the seeds of unkindness and anger in their own habit energy, their own feelings that harming others might lead to the suffering of others; apologize without trying to justify themselves, etc.
There's a deliberate structure to this--hard discussions on Fridays so people have the weekend to recover; taking time to breathe/calm down before speaking or writing a note (minimum: three breaths, maximum, 24 hours so things don't fester and become poisonous, etc. I think the idea that we all have seeds of anger in us, but some of us have it stronger than others so we react more strongly, is an important one. I also liked that it emphasizes the importance of listening to the other person and not just being defensive. "When we see that the other person is angry, we should respect her feelings. We shouldn't say "I haven't done anything and you're angry." A feeling has a life span--a moment to be born, some time to stay, and then it will die down slowly. Even if we see that her anger is not founded at all, that she is completely wrong, we don't press her to stop being angry right away. We help her, or we leave her alone so that her anger can die down naturally." Also, if the person who caused the anger can apologize right away, they should do so.
The other thing I found interesting in this was to take refuge in the island of yourself. "The Buddha told his students, 'My friends, do not rely on anything outside of yourselves. Be an island unto yourself, and take refuge in the island of yourself. During difficult moments when we do not know what to do, this is a wonderful exercise to practice...If we practice well, our island will have trees, birds, a beautiful stream, and land that is very solid. The essence of a buddha is mindfulness. Mindful breathing is the living dharma, better than any book...When we practice conscious breathing and produce mindfulness in ourselves, the buddha is there."
There's a deliberate structure to this--hard discussions on Fridays so people have the weekend to recover; taking time to breathe/calm down before speaking or writing a note (minimum: three breaths, maximum, 24 hours so things don't fester and become poisonous, etc. I think the idea that we all have seeds of anger in us, but some of us have it stronger than others so we react more strongly, is an important one. I also liked that it emphasizes the importance of listening to the other person and not just being defensive. "When we see that the other person is angry, we should respect her feelings. We shouldn't say "I haven't done anything and you're angry." A feeling has a life span--a moment to be born, some time to stay, and then it will die down slowly. Even if we see that her anger is not founded at all, that she is completely wrong, we don't press her to stop being angry right away. We help her, or we leave her alone so that her anger can die down naturally." Also, if the person who caused the anger can apologize right away, they should do so.
The other thing I found interesting in this was to take refuge in the island of yourself. "The Buddha told his students, 'My friends, do not rely on anything outside of yourselves. Be an island unto yourself, and take refuge in the island of yourself. During difficult moments when we do not know what to do, this is a wonderful exercise to practice...If we practice well, our island will have trees, birds, a beautiful stream, and land that is very solid. The essence of a buddha is mindfulness. Mindful breathing is the living dharma, better than any book...When we practice conscious breathing and produce mindfulness in ourselves, the buddha is there."
