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How to Live when a loved one dies
Apr. 19th, 2025 11:43 amI just cried my way through How to Live When a Loved One Dies , which I am thinking of sending to a friend. It is very powerful, even though a lot of it is material Thich Nhat Hanh talks about in other books. THe first 50 pages are really instructions for mindfulness/ meditation practice, then pages 50-80 or so are advice for grieving, and then from 89 on there is a lot on Buddhist concepts of being, nonbeing, and interbeing and how that might help you reframe your understanding of life and death. Interspersed through the whole book are a bunch of activities to help deal with grief, and all the meditations are only a few pages long, so I do think for anyone open to Buddhism it would be an excellent grief resource.
Here are a few passages I really liked:
He talks about a disciple of his who said they want to build a stupa for his ashes when he dies. Thich Nhat Hanh replied don't waste the temple land; scatter my ashes to let the trees grow better. But if they insist on the stupa, there should be a plaque that says “I am not here.” But in case people don't get it, they could add a second plaque: “I am not out there either.” If people still don't understand, then you can write on the third and last plaque, “I may be found in your way of breathing and walking .”
“This body of mine will disintegrate, but my actions will continue me. In my daily life, I always practice this to see my continuation all around me. We don't need to wait until the total dissolution of the body to continue-- we continue in every moment. If you think I am only this body, then you have not truly seen me.
“When you look at my friends, you see my continuation. When you see someone walking with mindfulness and compassion, you know they are my continuation. I don't understand why people say they are going to die because I can already see myself in you, in other people, and in future generations. I will never die. Every time I see one of my students walking in mindfulness, I see my continuation. There will be a dissolution of this body, but that does not mean my death. I will continue, always.”
“We can learn a lot from our suffering. We can even speak of the art of suffering. When we know how to suffer, we suffer much less. We know that understanding our suffering gives rise to compassion, not only for ourselves, but also for others. And we know that compassion is essential for joy and happiness to be possible. We can learn to make good use of our suffering in order to grow our peace and happiness.
“Many of us wonder what will happen to us when we die. Some of us think that after the dissolution of the body we rise up to heaven or float up to the clouds. Many believe we go to a distant paradise after we die which we imagine to be wonderful-- a place without suffering.
"But if heaven were a place with no suffering, I wouldn't want my children to go there. I wouldn't want to be in a world without any suffering, because then there would be no compassion or understanding either. If you haven't suffered hunger, you can't appreciate having something to eat. If you haven't gone through war, you don't know the value of peace.
“We need to understand the goodness of suffering. It is the compost that helps the roses to grow. It is the mud from which magnificent lotuses emerge.”
Here are a few passages I really liked:
He talks about a disciple of his who said they want to build a stupa for his ashes when he dies. Thich Nhat Hanh replied don't waste the temple land; scatter my ashes to let the trees grow better. But if they insist on the stupa, there should be a plaque that says “I am not here.” But in case people don't get it, they could add a second plaque: “I am not out there either.” If people still don't understand, then you can write on the third and last plaque, “I may be found in your way of breathing and walking .”
“This body of mine will disintegrate, but my actions will continue me. In my daily life, I always practice this to see my continuation all around me. We don't need to wait until the total dissolution of the body to continue-- we continue in every moment. If you think I am only this body, then you have not truly seen me.
“When you look at my friends, you see my continuation. When you see someone walking with mindfulness and compassion, you know they are my continuation. I don't understand why people say they are going to die because I can already see myself in you, in other people, and in future generations. I will never die. Every time I see one of my students walking in mindfulness, I see my continuation. There will be a dissolution of this body, but that does not mean my death. I will continue, always.”
“We can learn a lot from our suffering. We can even speak of the art of suffering. When we know how to suffer, we suffer much less. We know that understanding our suffering gives rise to compassion, not only for ourselves, but also for others. And we know that compassion is essential for joy and happiness to be possible. We can learn to make good use of our suffering in order to grow our peace and happiness.
“Many of us wonder what will happen to us when we die. Some of us think that after the dissolution of the body we rise up to heaven or float up to the clouds. Many believe we go to a distant paradise after we die which we imagine to be wonderful-- a place without suffering.
"But if heaven were a place with no suffering, I wouldn't want my children to go there. I wouldn't want to be in a world without any suffering, because then there would be no compassion or understanding either. If you haven't suffered hunger, you can't appreciate having something to eat. If you haven't gone through war, you don't know the value of peace.
“We need to understand the goodness of suffering. It is the compost that helps the roses to grow. It is the mud from which magnificent lotuses emerge.”
